Life was just going okay! Busy corporate schedule, household chores every weekend, sometimes dinner and drink with colleagues and long hours of leisure alone! Every year I waited for winters to arrive. It is the only season when I can grow quality flowers, as summers in New Delhi can literally kill animals and plants alike! Finding exotic flowers under the 46 degree Celsius sun is actually very difficult! So, I looked for color and beauty in winter every year and I found it- except this year!
It was somewhere in July or August 2015 I have developed this teeny tiny itchy patch on the tip of my nose. My eyebrows would itch too! I didn't pay much attention as such skin issues are not too uncommon. Change of season, water, pollution can cause such minor skin problems! I had applied some anti fungal and anti bacterial creams but the itching would just NOT go! In the meantime I've noticed dry flakes occurring in those areas and then my head. Most of the time they would bleed due to excess of rubbing and scratching! But I was helpless. The itchiness was unbearable! The scar on my nose increased in size with more redness. And same happened with my eyebrows and head (which had multiple spots by now)! Now everyone started noticing them and advised me to visit a dermatologist. So I did! After he examined he asked ; "Have you heard about psoriasis?"
And somewhere in an unknown corner of my mind I vaguely remembered the word 'psoriasis' and the way I used to pronounce it in my mind in the past 'po-za-rio-sis'! In fact it was just an unknown word of some 'bad disease' like those hundreds of name of diseases that we come across!
And I said; "Emm...y ees may be!" Then he started to unfold the grotesque images of people with psoriasis on the monitor which was already bone chilling! With the hope of cure I asked him the common question; "So how do we cure it then?" without expecting something like this; "There is no cure for it?"
That was the moment when something inside me changed. The fog inside me was grey and fearful. Language is not enough to express. It's just the feeling and how it crawls stealthily in you and how it begins to show it's signs! All happened just right there in front of the entire human species and yet no one could stop it. Not even me!
The journey with ointments and tablets started! Divine Mother Nature has started painting a few new 'psoriasis blooms' in my body. I knew I am the chosen one and I am the canvas! Few months went by and the spots would come and go. I've started taking extra care of my skin and research hours after hours on psoriasis. Looking at my dedication and research mode, my friends would tell me that I can write a thesis on psoriasis or be a lecturer! Some would advise me to stay strong and positive. Its true that it is not too difficult for me to laugh and make people laugh! And that is how I am. But something in the emotional aspect of me changed. It came to me already. Seems the two word 'no cure' were like some spells, strong enough to shake something deep inside me.
Winters came again and it was time to sow some new flower seeds! I had the joy in my heart this time as well, which I always feel whenever I start gardening! The seedlings sprouted and so as my 'psoriasis blooms' but in a much aggressive manner this time. There were several big circular spots on my head- thick, itchy,dry and scaly. My back, hips , inner thighs, calves all covered up with red,scaly,thick spots. This is guttate psoriasis! And this time even the most vibrant blooms couldn't ease my pain.
I looked so different and so NOT myself! Every moment was, and still is, a constant reminder that something in me is 'incurable'! It happened to me! To me? That sudden thought that you wake up with, is so full of disturbance. I am sure that those millions of you going through the same state of mind have asked the same question to yourself even if it is once!
I remember praying in the past, offering my body to whom we call the 'Supreme One', to make it His alter place! A place where His beauty and grace would reside. And a mind and heart where peace would flow! It was before I got this disease. And I now pray and think that how creatively the 'Supreme One' has made my body His altar place! Is that how we get answers? A lifetime of craving for love and beauty and a lifetime of tears we get! My prayers are answered but in such a diabolical way that I could have ever imagined! The spots comes and goes and at this moment it is in its severe form and a constant reminder of my 'prayers'. I chant Nam myoho renge kyo to keep me happy amidst such adversity. I manage to laugh and honestly somehow I got used to these grotesque scars now! I have learned to eat with my right hand and wipe tears with my left hand behind the closed doors! It is an art really! I am an artist and we all are! All that really matters is some peace and that is all I want!
Like the powerful lotus of the Elysian world that blooms in mud with all its beauty, fragrance and fruit. It is nurtured by the Supreme Himself and let this lotus be me. And it's my next prayer.
I will wait to testify the answer for my next prayer! The road is thorny and dark but I will go on!
Of course I can't stay like this or wait for a miracle to come! My first priority is to start with the tests that my dermatologist gave me and then follow my medication routine. I have already started taking care of my diet. Raw, boiled or green vegetables and fruits is what I have increased in quantity. Apart from that, keeping my skin moist and apply ointments regularly is what I do in daily basis. It seems I have to go through more aggressive treatments now, or if a miracle happens I would get cured in a very unexpected way! I still believe that the Universe is not unfamiliar with the series of misfortunes in my life. That is why I am still holding on. I have a loving mother and a sister and we all need each other. Diseases would come and go but the moments we create with our loved ones is all that matters! And this is what I always say; "Life on the other side is always perfect, but how perfect we make our lives here on earth is all that matters!" And this is what we-as humanity has always been struggling for and would keep finding ways to be happy with our loved ones! After all our soul want what it wants and what it is made of! PEACE, LOVE AND HEALING!
It was somewhere in July or August 2015 I have developed this teeny tiny itchy patch on the tip of my nose. My eyebrows would itch too! I didn't pay much attention as such skin issues are not too uncommon. Change of season, water, pollution can cause such minor skin problems! I had applied some anti fungal and anti bacterial creams but the itching would just NOT go! In the meantime I've noticed dry flakes occurring in those areas and then my head. Most of the time they would bleed due to excess of rubbing and scratching! But I was helpless. The itchiness was unbearable! The scar on my nose increased in size with more redness. And same happened with my eyebrows and head (which had multiple spots by now)! Now everyone started noticing them and advised me to visit a dermatologist. So I did! After he examined he asked ; "Have you heard about psoriasis?"
And somewhere in an unknown corner of my mind I vaguely remembered the word 'psoriasis' and the way I used to pronounce it in my mind in the past 'po-za-rio-sis'! In fact it was just an unknown word of some 'bad disease' like those hundreds of name of diseases that we come across!
And I said; "Emm...y ees may be!" Then he started to unfold the grotesque images of people with psoriasis on the monitor which was already bone chilling! With the hope of cure I asked him the common question; "So how do we cure it then?" without expecting something like this; "There is no cure for it?"That was the moment when something inside me changed. The fog inside me was grey and fearful. Language is not enough to express. It's just the feeling and how it crawls stealthily in you and how it begins to show it's signs! All happened just right there in front of the entire human species and yet no one could stop it. Not even me!
The journey with ointments and tablets started! Divine Mother Nature has started painting a few new 'psoriasis blooms' in my body. I knew I am the chosen one and I am the canvas! Few months went by and the spots would come and go. I've started taking extra care of my skin and research hours after hours on psoriasis. Looking at my dedication and research mode, my friends would tell me that I can write a thesis on psoriasis or be a lecturer! Some would advise me to stay strong and positive. Its true that it is not too difficult for me to laugh and make people laugh! And that is how I am. But something in the emotional aspect of me changed. It came to me already. Seems the two word 'no cure' were like some spells, strong enough to shake something deep inside me.
Winters came again and it was time to sow some new flower seeds! I had the joy in my heart this time as well, which I always feel whenever I start gardening! The seedlings sprouted and so as my 'psoriasis blooms' but in a much aggressive manner this time. There were several big circular spots on my head- thick, itchy,dry and scaly. My back, hips , inner thighs, calves all covered up with red,scaly,thick spots. This is guttate psoriasis! And this time even the most vibrant blooms couldn't ease my pain.
I looked so different and so NOT myself! Every moment was, and still is, a constant reminder that something in me is 'incurable'! It happened to me! To me? That sudden thought that you wake up with, is so full of disturbance. I am sure that those millions of you going through the same state of mind have asked the same question to yourself even if it is once!
I remember praying in the past, offering my body to whom we call the 'Supreme One', to make it His alter place! A place where His beauty and grace would reside. And a mind and heart where peace would flow! It was before I got this disease. And I now pray and think that how creatively the 'Supreme One' has made my body His altar place! Is that how we get answers? A lifetime of craving for love and beauty and a lifetime of tears we get! My prayers are answered but in such a diabolical way that I could have ever imagined! The spots comes and goes and at this moment it is in its severe form and a constant reminder of my 'prayers'. I chant Nam myoho renge kyo to keep me happy amidst such adversity. I manage to laugh and honestly somehow I got used to these grotesque scars now! I have learned to eat with my right hand and wipe tears with my left hand behind the closed doors! It is an art really! I am an artist and we all are! All that really matters is some peace and that is all I want!Like the powerful lotus of the Elysian world that blooms in mud with all its beauty, fragrance and fruit. It is nurtured by the Supreme Himself and let this lotus be me. And it's my next prayer.
I will wait to testify the answer for my next prayer! The road is thorny and dark but I will go on!
Of course I can't stay like this or wait for a miracle to come! My first priority is to start with the tests that my dermatologist gave me and then follow my medication routine. I have already started taking care of my diet. Raw, boiled or green vegetables and fruits is what I have increased in quantity. Apart from that, keeping my skin moist and apply ointments regularly is what I do in daily basis. It seems I have to go through more aggressive treatments now, or if a miracle happens I would get cured in a very unexpected way! I still believe that the Universe is not unfamiliar with the series of misfortunes in my life. That is why I am still holding on. I have a loving mother and a sister and we all need each other. Diseases would come and go but the moments we create with our loved ones is all that matters! And this is what I always say; "Life on the other side is always perfect, but how perfect we make our lives here on earth is all that matters!" And this is what we-as humanity has always been struggling for and would keep finding ways to be happy with our loved ones! After all our soul want what it wants and what it is made of! PEACE, LOVE AND HEALING!
No comments:
Post a Comment